Many of us have heard the expression, “If you can’t get along with yourself, no one else will get along with you, either.” Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t understand what that means. To the average person, the concept of getting along with yourself seems almost foreign and they just don’t get the need for help for relationships.
Help for Relationships
by · October 28, 2011 Leave a Comment
Without Communication in Relationships You Have Nothing
by · October 21, 2011 Leave a Comment
Can you remember a time when you were out shopping and suddenly you hear a couple screaming at each other right out there in the middle of the store? They are in such a state there is no realization they’re airing their “dirty laundry” in public. Anger has removed all the filters that may have stopped them from losing control of their communication in relationships.
Perhaps you’ve been divorced and your ex-wife/husband would like to get back together yet they have not changed what caused the break-up in the first place. What should you do? You may work with someone who gets on your last nerve but nothing you do seems to stop their irritating behavior. How in the world can you do something to change what is causing you frustration and stress?
How about starting with honesty? There’s an old expression that says, “The truth hurts.” It can if presented in a way that is hurtful and confrontational yet done in a kind and thoughtful way can help you and also raise the consciousness of the person you are hoping will listen to you and do what they can to change how they behave.
Honesty is good. Lying is bad. Don’t you teach your children not to lie? Most people lie because they are afraid of the consequences and would rather tell a lie than make someone angry or even hurt someone else’s feelings.
Different Levels of Truth
You can spin your truth in many directions yet honest and heart-felt truth is always the best. A realtor may put an ad in a paper describing a house as “cozy” but that usually means the house is tiny. A man placing an ad in a dating magazine may describe himself as built like a bear, when he’s actually quite overweight.
People may tell you about a party they attended and say, “Wow, that was some kind of party,” and in reality it was a real snore. What they’re doing is saying it was a good party just so they don’t hurt the host/hostess’ feelings if it gets back to them that you said “he said” the party was boring. There’s nothing wrong with being kind but overstating something just to be nice makes you feel deep inside that you are not being truthful and you may even feel a slight twinge of guilt.
State your own truth because it’s yours and no one else’s.
Your ‘truth’ is merely your opinion. It could be that you feel something is right or wrong and someone else may look at the same thing from a totally opposite angle. Neither is right or wrong, it only has to do with what you or that other person feels about the same situation.
Let’s say you have a dear friend who is now treating you disrespectfully or being downright mean. You have no idea why and when you ask them why they say, “Never mind, it doesn’t matter.” Yes, it DOES matter and many people use their bad behavior to manipulate others to get what they want or they won’t be pleased. You have no idea how to get at the truth because they are not ready to tell you what it is you may or may not have done to make them angry.
In reality, you probably didn’t do anything but they are using you to deflect their anger and place the blame for their own unhappiness on someone else. If your friendship is still of value to you then it’s worth the effort to get them to sit down and discuss the situation.
Should they say they aren’t willing to talk to you and get things back on track, let it go and move on. Give them some space until they wake up or in some cases you may have to release the relationship and move on.
Approaching Truth From The Heart
There can be times when you want to tell someone something that may cause them to feel uncomfortable so you choose to start with a small element of the truth. You may decide to take part of the challenge or issue you have with them in increments instead of laying it all on them at once. You also may choose to say nothing but that could raise your stress level if they have done something that really bothers you.
A good idea would be to look inside and decide what your ‘heart’ may be telling you to do or say. Considering the other person’s heart is also important. If in voicing your opinion or confronting them with something has no value to either one of you or may hurt them you may take more time to consider how to frame what you would like to say to them. If your heart isn’t in it then perhaps your inner voice is telling you it’s not the whole truth and you may decide to let it go or keep it to yourself.
If your heart is not in something to do with your relationship with someone else then back off and allow the urge to pass instead of jumping into a situation you can’t get out of. Words can never be taken back. People remember things people told them for decades and can’t release the hurt they felt by hearing those words from someone they loved or respected. Words can injure someone at a soul-level and should be thought out before spoken.
So How Can You Speak Your Truth?
What is it you want and what is bothering you? It may be something so small you should just allow it to blow away in the wind. If it’s something very hurtful or important you have a right as a human being to speak what has hurt you and why. Keeping unspoken hurts to yourself for many years can harm you emotionally and physically.
Some people are so self-absorbed they are shocked when you bring it up and tell them how you feel. Their truth may be very shallow and “all about them.” Or they may have simply been having a bad day and you were close by and a convenient way for them to vent.
Either way if you value the relationship, especially if it’s a family member just lay your emotional cards on the table and ask them to sit down in a setting that is comfortable to both of you and gently begin your discussion with them. You may have to be the one who takes the high road and also assumes the role of the adult in the equation but sometimes we just have to do what we have to do to make peace.
Besides, once they are aware of how you feel they may (hopefully) realize what they did or said that hurt you and apologize. Then again, they may not but you’ll feel much better because you finally got it off your chest. You will also know that you came from the heart, did nothing to injure or shame the other person and plain and simple, you did the best you could. You were straight-forward, honest and should not feel ashamed.
You may even gain more respect from them because they now understand what they did and admire you for being kind enough to speak to them from a heart-centered place instead of yelling at them or confronting them in anger.
Communication in relationships can be trying, yet being “in your truth” at all times can make them a lot more pleasant and joyous.
Building Good Relationships Through Observation
by · October 14, 2011 1 Comment
Observing yourself from the inside probably sounds like “Greek” to most people and they have no clue that it is vital in building good relationships. The average person simply never thinks of what is ‘inside themselves’ since they are focused on what is going on around them on the ‘outside.’
Self-Awareness is another expression that is foreign to most of humanity. For the most part they believe that those who seek Self-Awareness belong in the category of monks living high on a mountain in the Himalayas, meditating and chanting day after day.
If the act of taking the time to truly look inward and begin the journey of self-awareness and reflection seems weird and a waste of time, perhaps you can give it some thought and put forward the effort to learn how to begin a whole new quest to figure out what makes you tick.
You may feel your relationships are just fine and you’re happy as a clam-so what do those around you believe and what kind of feedback do you get?
Most people aren’t used to or comfortable with the thought of observing themselves. Contemplation of your prevailing thoughts, your feelings, reactions from spouses, partners or other relationships never seem to enter the minds of the average person.
Going on dates, beginning a new relationship or moving into a more serious area where you decide to make the relationship more formal than casual, people go through all the regular ups and downs. They move through all the regular motions and face the difficulties and challenges that are the norm, and if the relationship hits the skids they move on to the next.
It’s always easy to blame the other person for the failure of the relationship and justify why it didn’t work out instead of looking inward, making an effort to understand what role you played in the failure of the partnership.
Observe and Report
Do some research and find a book, a CD or DVD from a well-known person who is an expert in self-improvement or self-awareness and use the information to discover how to ‘go within.’ Begin your quest to awaken your hidden knowledge of who you are and why you react to certain things and people, what triggers negative reactions from you and how to learn to relax and flow through challenges.
Whether it’s a person or something else that pushes your emotional buttons it doesn’t matter. The importance of self-discovery is how to move to a place of non-reaction and detachment from things that cause you problems in relationships.
It’s amazing to have the tools to actually look inside yourself and observe how and why you react to certain things both positive and negative and learn how to simply let things pass and deal with challenges on a completely different level.
The most successful and happy people understand the concept and use it to their benefit. People look at them as ‘together’ and view them as wise, actualized and someone they respect.
Begin observing your inner-self and start writing in a journal each and every time you observe your reactions both positive and negative and what each situation was that brought about those reactions. Herein lies ‘your report.’
Each day go back and read what you did, how you reacted and how different the outcome was by not participating in the drama of each moment and you might even make a note of how you would have behaved before you began walking on your path of being a more evolved human being.
Pretend to Be Someone Else
Act as if you are a totally disinterested third party, observing and taking notes. Perhaps you could tell yourself you’re writing this ‘other persons’ life story and you’re being as objective and on-point as possible.
While you’re doing this, try to remember as much history of your relationships and partners as you can. Write this down too.
As you observe and look inward, pay close attention to your feelings, thoughts, belief-system, attitudes, behavior patterns and reactions.
Make sure you include all interactions with others including those you’ve dated, long-term relationships if you’ve had any and what moments may have created the end of the friendship or partnership.
If you’re single and none of your relationships came even close to culminating in a marriage, look closely at your part in self-sabotage and that of your relationships.
Self-observation could almost be considered an art form. Not everyone has what it takes to begin the journey, let alone continue on until they succeed at taking responsibility for that part they’ve played in every failed relationship.
It’s not pretty to look closely at yourself and step up and tell yourself “I did this to wreck that relationship and I’m going to do better.”
It takes a mature person to be honest and sincere with themselves concerning their behavior. There is no right or wrong here and understanding and recognizing your shortcomings doesn’t make you a ‘bad person.’
It takes a strong and determined individual who is willing to do the work and repair their own emotional feelings that sabotage every opportunity they get that could lead to a happy, fun and secure relationship.
A little work on yourself can take you on a wonderful and fulfilling journey to finding the perfect person if that is what you desire. That work can also improve your relationships with family, friends and co-workers.
Where to Begin Observing
1. You can start by observing yourself in various interactions you may have with a partner or spouse if you are currently in a relationship.
2. Go back in your mind and observe past confrontations or interactions with former partners then recreate (in your mind) the specific events that transpired through each interaction. This would include attitudes, feelings, conversations, behaviors and how you reacted in each situation.
How do you present yourself? What do you observe in your behavior? Do you come across as arrogant, cocky or do you take over every conversation, not allowing the other person to get a word in at all?
Are you considerate of the other person’s feelings by not talking about past relationships and dump all your drama in their laps? Do you expect too much, too soon? There are actually those who are so needy they expect their date to almost make a commitment to them after their first meeting!
Never present yourself as either a bragging, egotistical know it all or a needy, clinging victim who so obviously wants to be with someone you scare the other person away.
Ask Yourself Some Questions
Am I “real” with my partners or dates?
Do I agree and comply with their wishes just to make them happy?
How insecure am I and what is my level of self-esteem?
Can I be alone without falling apart? These are some questions to ask yourself but you can think of many, many more.
Write down the questions then completely flesh out the answers on paper so you can go back and read what you’ve written. It will give you lots of insight as to what is going on inside your head. Be specific and don’t be afraid of honesty.
Until you ‘get’ what’s going on inside your head, it will be impossible to build good relationships you truly desire.
