Many of us have heard the expression, “If you can’t get along with yourself, no one else will get along with you, either.” Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t understand what that means. To the average person, the concept of getting along with yourself seems almost foreign and they just don’t get the need for help for relationships.
In actuality, it means self-conflict, negative self-talk and all the emotions that accompany our self-esteem and how we view ourselves in comparison to others. That in itself is a negative thought process in that we are unique individuals who don’t need to compare ourselves to others. Of course, we can admire others and desire to emulate them in how they are perceived by other people and how successful and happy they exude.
If your life isn’t all you’d like it to be you can reverse it and start on a path of reflection and the goal of inner-peace.
Once you have decided you’re a darned nice person and who you are is pleasing to you, then you’re ready to be all you can to others. You can be a good friend, co-worker, a good partner or spouse and parent. When you have learned how to manage yourself and your emotions you can be effective at managing your relationships with others.
Communicate Well and your Life Will Flow Smoothly
Someone who is not adept at communication is pretty much like a ship without a rudder. You are not going to be able to steer your life in the direction you’d prefer to go.
If you can’t verbalize your feelings and thoughts to another it makes it very difficult for that person because they may sit and attempt to discuss a conflict or challenge they are having with you, yet someone who is non-communicative simply says, in their best interpretation of a 4-year old child, “I don’t know.”
What does that mean, “I don’t know?”
If someone is being difficult or seems angry with you and you’re making an attempt to get to the underlying problem, it’s maddening to hear them respond to your queries with, “I don’t know.”
To the person trying very hard to open up the lines of communication it’s a “wanting to tear your hair out moment.” For the person who can only answer “I don’t know,” I’d ask them, “Well, if you don’t know, who does?”
When the other person trying in vain to evoke some kind of emotion or answer from the person who has no clue how to communicate it can be very frustrating. The person who is “verbally challenged” would be well-advised to take a course in communication or perhaps seek counseling of some kind to learn some communication skills.
It’s so refreshing to have a discussion with someone who is clear, concise and knows how to get their message across in a minute or less.
Of course conversations among friends, relatives and co-workers can take hours and be very stimulating and entertaining. When you’re having a great conversation with someone, the time seems to fly and you suddenly realize you’ve been talking for a long time but it seemed like only minutes.
The opposite end of the spectrum is conversing with someone who can’t verbalize feelings or emotions. A five-minute discussion can seem like days and can create more stress while you wait what seems like an eternity for some kind of response. If you’re like me, you do your best to avoid those moments.
Setting Goals Together
Whether it’s goal-setting with a spouse, partner or business associate in respect to creating a smooth and cohesive level of communication, it’s very important because studies have shown that cooperation and having the same goals helps any relationship survive the ups and downs that are inevitable.
Always keep in mind there is no such thing as perfection. As human beings we are in a constant state of improvement on a personal level and that includes our relationships with others.
It is very important that you feel comfortable in verbalizing what your specific desires are in the relationship as well as listening and understanding the wants and needs of the other person or persons.
Take time to compromise, be clear on what each person’s goals are within the relationship and be willing and open to change. Talking together and creating a goal-setting plan shows you are interested and care about the other person’s needs for a fruitful and happy relationship, realizing both of you are different yet willing to accept the differences in each other.
Improving your Life and Relationships
Care for yourself by loving and respecting who you are inside and out. Be kind and give yourself gifts of time to relax, unwind and even indulge yourself in what you may believe are frivolous things like massages, yoga classes or meditation. Everyone needs “you” time.
Take walks, read interesting books, listen to music that makes you feel good and spend time with positive people who have many of the same interests.
If you begin to feel frustrated then you need to find out what is causing it and deal with the root of the problem immediately. Controlling your emotions is not taking care of the challenge. You need to solve the problem that is bringing up feelings of frustration.
Be Kind To Your Mind
Pay attention to your ‘self-talk,’ and make sure it’s not negative in nature.
Positive self-talk is good, negative is self-defeating and no constructive.
Be aware of your cognitions in determining how you treat others including yourself. Keep a notebook and every time you have a thought whether positive or negative about yourself or someone else, write it down and go back to it later and think about why and how you formed the specific thought.
What was the circumstance, what was going on at the time either with yourself or an interaction with someone else?
Try a sort of experiment by reading the negative thoughts and transform them into something positive. In NLP or neuro-lingustic programming, that is called “reframing.”
Take something negative and turn it into a new and positive picture. You may also make an attempt to consider why you were thinking those thoughts and be aware the next time it happens so you can instantly reframe and replace negative feelings with positive ones.
Are you attached or detached from feelings?
How secure or insecure do you feel?
The person who others perceive as aloof and not ‘present’ in conversations is truly avoiding relationships. They never seem to really trust others and people pick up on it right away and begin to avoid being around them.
Many people grew up with abandonment issues from childhood and bring those issues into their adult lives. They appear to others as controlling, angry, abusive and even smothering, demanding attention to their needs at all times yet not seeming to care about the feelings or needs of those around them.
These are all attachments to certain feelings that have somehow given that person the feeling they are getting some reward from their behavior.
Keep in mind, if you’re unhappy because you think your spouse, partner, friends or associates don’t give you what you believe you must have to be happy, that’s your ‘stuff’ and they can’t make you happy no matter how hard they try. Eventually, they will give up and you’ll get what you fear most-being abandoned.
Although you have brought all of this upon yourself it takes time and effort to work through these emotional crutches and recognize the cause.
It will take work and patience but with time you can be the person you desire to be and have happy, fruitful relationships with everyone around you.
Once you decide to receive help in relationships, you’ll be shocked how quickly they become magical.